Monday, March 5, 2012

Tiger Woods, Butch Harmon, and the 2012 Honda Classic

Curator's note: On Valentine's Day I encouraged (begged!) Tiger Woods to kiss and make up with Butch Harmon.  Finally heard back from him today.   

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SportsLetters
Scott T. – Curator-in-Chief


February 14, 2012

Tiger Woods
Dazed and confused at Pebble Beach

Dear Tiger,

First you were Tiger Woods Butch Harmon.  Then you were Tiger Woods Hank Haney.  Now you're Tiger Woods Sean Foley.

You started out like Jaws: a ruthless predator who made grown men pee their pants when you "popped" up on the leaderboard.  Then you transformed into Jaws 2: still formidable, but ultimately damaged, capable of being defeated in a major by a Y.E. Yang hybrid from the rough (which I equate to a Great White being electrocuted).  Now you're like Winter from Dolphin Tale: rehabilitated but untested.  You've got a new swing, new shoes, and a new 'tude, but the extreme makeover will not restore you to Big Fish status.

Unless .....

.... you get back together with Butch Harmon.  Now.  Today.  On Valentine's Day.  Buy him a card, tape a few I MISS U heart candies to it, take the jet to Las Vegas, interrupt a lesson with Phil, get down on your hands and knees and sing "I will always love you", and beg for your old golf game back.

I can't stand watching the latest incarnation of Tiger Woods.  I don't mind watching you lose.  It's the way you're losing that's so disheartening.  First, you can't putt.  I don't care how much better and farther you hit the ball that other pros back in the day; what made you scary good was your ability to make EVERY SINGLE putt from inside 12 feet.  Now you can't make putts from 2 feet.  Butch can fix that.

Second, you've gone soft.  On the 12th hole Sunday at Pebble you holed out from the bunker.  Exciting!  But, no roar, no fist bumping with whoever your new caddie is, no expectation that this shot could be the momentum changer.  Instead, you politely stepped from the bunker and stood there looking out of place, unsure.  We could sense at that moment you knew you didn't have it.  We knew that shot meant nothing, that your game just isn't right, that you can't shoot 64 on Sunday, much less 69.  Phil sensed it too.  He calmly dropped a 30-footer on top of your bunker shot and jacked himself and the crowd up with a few first pumps of his own.

This week Lee Trevino said you should get back together with Butch.  Listen to the man.  Trevino talks a lot, but he doesn't talk a lot.  He doesn't mouth off on Twitter like almost every other professional athlete.  He's won multiple majors.  He's a hall of fame golfer.  Listen to the man.  You've only got 4-5 really good years left; once you hit 40 your chances of winning a major decline.  If you're going to catch Jack Nicklaus, you need the best.  Harmon is the best.  You were the best when you were with Harmon.  Simple.

There were times at Pebble I couldn't tell you from the amateurs.  You're hunched over at address.  You're picking the club up too fast.  And did I mention those 2-footers?  Plus, what's with the shoes?  I understand they're easier on the knees and legs.  But they make you look like you'd rather be lawn bowling.

So call Butch.  As much as you've disappointed so many golf fans, we want you back.  Professional golf needs you back.  We want to see you make a run at Jack's record.  It's not going to come without your former swagger, swing, and putting stroke.  Call Butch.  Kiss and make up.  Pretty please.

Sincerely,

Scott T.



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Tiger Woods
Feeling good in Florida

March 5, 2012

SportsLetters
Scott T. – Curator-in-Chief

Dear Scott,

Thanks for your kind words.  Do you know if professional lawn bowling offers appearance fees?

And, yes, after much consideration, I flew Butch in Saturday night for a late-night putting session.  Nobody saw him (I'm good at sneaking folks in and out of my place) - I made sure of that!  He told me he was going to make me use a long putter and call me KBW (Keegan Bradley Woods) if I didn't go low Sunday.  That's all it took.


Sincerely,
Tiger Woods



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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Jeremy Lin, puns, and the drive-thru Lindow

Curator’s note: Jeremy Lin claims the pun craze hasn't affected him.  See for yourself.


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SportsLetters
Scott T. – Curator-in-Chief


February 20, 2011

Jeremy Linn
Punville, USA

Dear Jeremy,

Wow, what a month you are having.  Even better than Rick Santorum.  And much better than Syria.

My favorite part of your meteoric rise to fame is the puns.  Are you enjoying them?

Sincerely,
Scott T.



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Jeremy Linn
Punville, USA

February 21, 2012

SportsLetters
Scott T. Curator-in-Chief

Dear Scott,

Thanks for your Linter.  I don’t think the puns are havLin much affect on me.  I mean, President Obama sent me a Linvitation to the White House, but thats no big Ling. 

Still, Ive got some cool endorsement offers Lin the works.  McDonalds wants to put my face on the their drive-thru Lindows; Gordons want to run a Lin n tonic commercial at next years Super Bowl; Clint Eastwood wants me for a dystopian Western called AssassLin; and Mercedes Benz is changing its name.  Thats right: Mercedes BLinz.

As the t-shirts now say, Lin is Good.

Lincerely,



Jeremy Lin


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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Arnold Palmer, LeBron James, and the one true king

Curator’s note: Arnie Palmer questions Lebron James about his "king" status.  The most kingly quality: having a drink named after you.

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Mr. Arnold Palmer
Bay Hill Club and Lodge
Orlando, FL

June 13, 2011

Lebron James
Hiding out
Miami, FL

Dear LeBron,

I don't follow basketball much, but I did catch Game 6 of the N.B.A finals, where you and Dwayne Wade capitulated to a bunch of geriatrics in long shorts.  Jason Kidd is almost older than me!

During the telecast I heard a broadcaster refer to you as the King.  I thought that was my nickname.  Before I let you share it, please review the following Top 10 King Qualities - and then provide performance evidence from your career to support each quality.

Top 10 King Qualities

#1 - Commands the respect of his army.  In my playing days I garnered more respect from my army than Robert E. Lee.  You, however, don't even enjoy the respect of your hometown Miami fans.  You're like the Al Gore of pro basketball.  In Cleveland fans burned so many LeBron jerseys the city had to issue wildfire warnings.  Today Ohio Governor John Kasich issued a proclamation declaring the Dallas Mavericks "honorary Ohioans."  Not good.

#2 - Doesn't shy away from responsibility.  My army demanded boldness from me.  They expected I hit driver on short par 4s, that I make charges on the back nine, and that I win majors in dramatic fashion.  I embraced their expectations.  Your subjects begged you to shoot the ball more in the finals - to be more productive in the fourth quarter.  Your response: keep on passing the rock, keep on pushing responsibility for success onto your teammates.  Lame.  I never had my caddy strike a putt to win a major.

#3 - Is a proven winner.  I won 62 times on the PGA Tour, including seven majors.  Those are Big League, Hall of Fame, King-like numbers.  You?

#4 - Walks the walk.  I hitched up my pants and stalked around the course like a lion chasing an antelope.  I also had a bad ass crouched putting stance that showed I meant business.  My demeanor demanded attention.  You seem to sulk quite a bit and have lots of tattoos.

The look of a King


#5 - Sticks appropriate things in his mouth.  Royalty chews on royal things, like cigars and cigarettes and caviar.  Nicklaus knew that if he got too close I'd burn his retina with a cigarette bud.  You chomp on a mouth guard like it's a piece of Big League Chew.  Too often it dangles from your mouth like a fish hook. 


#6 - Has a drink named after him.  The Arnold Palmer, half lemonade, half iced tea, to be drank after a hard-fought battle.  Even got an ESPN commercial of it.  You?

#7 - Doesn't get benched in crunch time.  Team play in professional golf is The Ryder Cup.  Last time I checked I hold the record for most matches won by a U.S. player.  You think the captain ever left me in the clubhouse?  You, however, were so deep in Erik Spoelstra's doghouse last night you barely saw action in the fourth quarter.  When you finally got in you almost broke the backboard - and not with a dunk.

#8 - Shows true enthusiasm for his position.  I relished being a King.  I embraced my people with smiles and handshakes and genuine respect for the position of being a leader and a role model.  Ever since leaving Cleveland you seem to hate what you do.  You've looked ridiculous in Heat promotional commercials, and I could've sworn you would've rather being playing golf than basketball last night.

#9 - Shows humility.  Being a great leader means admitting when you've made a mistake.  I was never a perfect golfer - in fact, I went out of my way not to be perfect (like Phil Mickelson) - and my Army loved me for it.  No one wants an infallable King (how can the average man relate to someone who's perfect?).  You, however, can't seem to accept your shortcomings, can't seem to understand why you've been vilified.  It's going to eat away at you until there's nothing left to guard but your mouth guard.

#10 - Doesn't share power.  Jack may have surpassed me on the golf course, but I never deferred to him, and he never commanded the admiration I did.  Arnie's Army would have stomped Jack's Pack and buried them in a bunker.  You were the leading man in Cleveland; now you're just a sidekick to Dwayne Wade, Robin to Batman, Andy Richter to Conan, Silent Bob to Jay, Woodstock to Snoopy, Ethel to Lucy, Sam to Frodo, Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan, Tattoo to Mr. Roark.

By the way, who has more tattoos, you or Dwayne?

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Warmest regards,

Arnold Palmer

The Man.  The Drink.  The King.


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LeBron James
Hiding out
Miami, FL


June 14, 2011


Mr. Arnold Palmer
Bay Hill Club and Lodge
Orlando, FL

Dear Mr. Palmer,

#1 - Who's Al Gore?

#2 - I thought triple doubles were more important than winning.

#3 - I won a few high school championships.  That's pretty good, right?

#4 - Don't my tats make me look tough?

#5 - I soaked my mouth guard in A.H. Hirsch Reserve bourbon before each game of the finals.  No wonder I couldn't shoot.

"Mom always said, 'Always eat your plastic'"


#6 - I melt my mouth guard down after each game and drink it.  The LeBron Slobber Slushie will be on the market soon.

#7 -  Erick Dampier and I were finishing best of 40 thumb wrestling.

#8 - Smiling, and hand holding for that matter, is for guys like Leandro Barbosa and Reggie Evans.

#9 - Wasn't The Decision humble?

#10 - I'm actually third on the totem pole behind Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh.  That makes me Ron to Hermoine and Harry Potter, or Donny to Walter and the "Dude."

Sincerely,

LeBron James

Viceroy


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Monday, June 13, 2011

Jim Tressel, Michael Scofield, Notre Dame football, and tattoos



Curator’s note: Ex Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel and “Prison Break's” Michael Scofield discuss tattoos and Notre Dame football.

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Jim Tressel
Unemployment line
Columbus, Ohio

June 6, 2011


Michael Scofield
Fox River State Penitentiary, Gen Pop
Chicago, IL

Dear Michael,

I wasn't sure where to write you.  Last time I checked you were living in Panama, but I assume they caught up with you by now and sent you back to Fox River.

Man were you good on the run.  I would have recruited you for our backfield, but I think seeking out and aiding a convicted felon would only have added to the litany of rules I broke at THE Ohio State University.  (Note: Alcatraz is old news; since you busted out Fox River is THE prison.)

I need your help.  I'm unemployed.  The only friend I've got left is Edward Rife, the tattoo parlor owner who bought my players' memorabilia.  He owes my one for all the business I sent his way.

Thinking of Rife made me think of you.  Personally I don't care for tattoos (my ex-players call them Tats - weird).  But you?  You at least defiled your body for a legitimate reason.  I mean, an entire blueprint for breaking out of prison needled into your skin.  Awesome!

Sick tats!


I'm going to see Rife next week.  In exchange for my 2002 National Championship ring (the NCAA's going to take it from me soon!) he’s promised to Michael Scofield me.  A full-body tattoo that will serve as a blueprint for the rest of my life.  I need some direction - a road map if you will.  Something I can refer to when I take a shower that will put me back on the right path.

Any suggestions I can take to Rife?

Your friend,

Jim Tressel
Former men's football coach
THE Ohio State University


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Michael Scofield
THE Heaven

June 13, 2011

Jim Tressel
Unemployment line
Columbus, Ohio

Dear Coach(ed) Tressel,

I'm dead. The new warden of Fox River forwarded me your letter.

About the tats.  Get a full-body Touchdown Jesus and show up in South Bend to plead for the head coaching job.  It’s about time Notre Dame prioritized winning over academics and character development.

On second thought, go with a tat of Saint Jude.  Notre Dame football is a lost cause.

ND football = Lost cause


Sincerely,

Michael Scofield

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

2011 Super Bowl, Francis Scott Key, Christina Aguilera, and Doritos

Curator’s note: Francis Scott Key WTFs? Christina Aguilera after her inaccurate singing of the National Anthem before the 2011 Super Bowl.


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Francis Scott Key
Heaven

February 6, 2011

Christina Aguilera
The National Anthem Doghouse

Dear Christina,

What happened?

There I was, sitting on my heavenly Lay-z-Boy, getting ready to watch some less-than-funny Doritos commercials, when you appeared in hooker-red lipstick to sing The Star-Spangled Banner.  You know, the National Anthem. You know, the poem I wrote during the War of 1812 at Fort McHenry.

You started off well enough, but then you, uh, forgot the words.  And then you repeated some words.  And then you sang extended versions of words to get back on pace with the music.  Come on!  The song is only 80 words total.  That's, like, 10 tweets. 

There have been some horrific renditions of my song.  Like Roseanne Barr at that 1990 San Diego Padres game.  Talk about rolling over in the grave!  Or Carl Lewis singing at the Bulls game in 1993.  He actually got booed!

But those folks weren't singers.  Like, multi-platinum, award-winning singers.  You botching the National Anthem was like a spelling bee champion missing "dog." 

God is really giving me flak about the whole thing.  Any explanation would be appreciated.

Best,

Francis Scott Key


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Christina Aguilera
The National Anthem Dog House

February 8, 2011

Francis Scott Key
Heaven

Dear Francis,

I thought I was going to be singing "Genie in a Bottle” during the halftime show.  Imagine my surprise when I was introduced before the game.  I thought I did pretty well under the circumstances.

RIP,

Christina

P.S. Do you know how many iTunes downloads I've had in the last three days.  Awesome!


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Francis Scott Key
Heaven

February 9. 2011
Christina Aguilera
The National Anthem Doghouse

Dear Christina,

We don't get iTunes up here.  God prefers mix tapes.  Neil Diamond, Whitney Houston, Kenny Rodgers .... stuff like that.

Best,

Francis Scott Key




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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Daniel Snyder, Washington D.C.'s Homeless, and lawsuits

Curator’s Note: Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and Washington, D.C.'s homeless population discuss the state of the Redskins.

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The Homeless of Washington, D.C.
The streets

February 3, 2011

Daniel Snyder
Owner - Washington Redskins
Redskins Park
Asburn, MD

Dear Mr. Snyder,

There’s big news being made by the Washington Redskins this week.  And it’s not about football.  (No surprise there, as it’s Super Bowl week.)

We hear you've made good on your threat to sue Washington City Paper for its November 19 cover story: “The Cranky Redskins Fan’s Guide to Dan Snyder.”

The article, written by Dave McKenna, chronicles your missteps since taking over the franchise ten years ago.  Included in the litany are dubious head coach hires and fires, nefarious marketing campaigns, and even a report of you leaving canisters of vanilla ice cream in late defensive coordinator Mike Nolan’s office with a note saying, “I don’t like vanilla.”  You were referring to Nolan’s simplistic schemes, right?  Man, that's cold!

Even someone as insecure as you could have chalked most of the jabs up to a good-natured rant.  What we guess you couldn’t handle were allegations that you cut down nationally protected trees at your Montgomery County home for a better view of the Potomac River; or that you forged names as a telemarketer with Snyder Communications.  The scribbled-upon photo used in the article clearly depicts you as the devil, though you claim the image portrays you as an anti-Semite.  Ridiculous.

Our thoughts: Just let it go, man.

In surveys of the worst NFL owners in the history of NFL owners, your name pops up like a Whack-A-Mole.  You’ve relegated one of the greatest franchises not just in the NFL, but all of sports, to the gutter.  In just over ten years of ownership the Redskins have become the laughing stock of league.  The Skins used to be the pride of D.C.  Nothing better than a Sunday afternoon in Southeast, with RFK shaking with "Hail to the Redskins."  Now it's "Hail to the Deadskins" - with fans paying a week’s worth of wages just to park their cars at the new stadium out there in Landover.

Washington City Paper stands by its assertions.  Look, maybe it didn’t need to mention the trees, and maybe McKenna should have stuck to Redskins mismanagement.  But who cares?  The article was the perfect opportunity for you to say, “You know what, when it comes to the Redskins, I’ve been a total nightmare.  But I’m trying to get better.  I’ve handed off more responsibility to people who know what they’re doing.  Things are going to be better.  As for the trees, I’ll plant some new ones.”

Instead, you sued, saying the paper used, "lies, half-truths, innuendo and anti-Semitic imagery to smear, malign, defame and slander."  You're seeking $2 million plus punitive damages.  Instead, maybe you should just increase the price of pretzels from $8 to $8.50.  That would account for $2 million or so in 2011.  This way you'd be sticking it to the fans instead, something you do best.

Most ironic - and this is where we come in - is that you've offered to give any money you win from the lawsuit to the homeless.  How magnanimous!  Our question then is this: How are you going to distribute that money?  Hand-to-Starbucks cups here in Southeast?  We don't think you'll be caught dead down here, not after you moved the team out of our own backyard. 

Let us know.

Sincerely,

The Homeless


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Daniel Snyder
Owner - Washington Redskins
Redskins Park
Asburn, MD

February 4, 2011

The Homeless of Washington, D.C.
The Streets

Hey guys,

Wow, great to hear from you.  It’s been too long.  Hey, what’s up with your stationary?  It’s a little scratchy.  Did you write on a cardboard box or something?

First, let's not bring up moving the team.  If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that complaint I'd be a .... wait, I'm already a millionaire :)  Sure, I moved the team, but in its place I created a Redskins lottery ticket for you guys.  Just $20 a pop.  So, yes, I am magnanimous.

Second, don't be stupid.  I offered Donovan McNabb something like $80 million (it's hard to keep up with my spending) after Shanahan 1 and 2 insulted him.  But I was just covering my ass.  After we release him this year McNabb won't get a dime.  Same goes for you guys. 

I think I'm going to use the $2 million to build more restricted view seats at FedEx Field.  By Restricted View, I mean No View.  Rest assured these tickets will be full price and fail to mention the No View part.  If you want some of those, give me a shout. 

Always your friend,

Dan

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Michael Vick, Taco Bell, and a way out of the doghouse

Curator’s note: Taco Bell president Greg Creed seeks “dog” advice from Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.

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Greg Creed
President and Chief Concept Officer
Taco Bell
Irvine, CA
January 25, 2011

Michael Vick
Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mike,

Good to see you're doing well in the NFL.  But that's not why I’m writing.

We're getting sued!  And it's because of that beef you sent us.  Yup, we finally got around to using your dogs.  We didn't want to, but we ran out of feral cats.

We used the dogs mainly in our Beefy Crunch Burritos.  But people complained that they were a too crunchy.  What can I say?  You've seen the toenails of Pit Bulls!

We're really jammed up here.  If we lose this lawsuit we're going to have to change Beefy Crunch Burrito to Pit Bull Burrito.  I doubt Fast Food Nation will notice - the BPB will probably be our best seller - but still; overtly advertising that we stuff our items with dog parts won't look so hot.

Listen, you've obviously recovered nicely from a dog scandal.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Greg


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Michael Vick
Philadelphia, PA

January 26, 2011

Greg Creed
President and Chief Concept Officer
Taco Bell
Irvine, CA

Dear Greg,

There must be some mistake.  I sold those bulls to McDonald's for their Crispy Chicken Sandwiches.  They pay more for their "beef."  

Best,

Mike

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