Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods, and the Safari Club International Gun Show


Curator’s note: Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin discuss change, strippers, hunting, and toxic rhetoric.

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Sarah Palin
Hunting in Alaska

January 14, 2011
Tiger Woods
Roxy Nightclub
Orlando, FL

Dear Tiger,

How ya doin’?  Since we last spoke 1. You crashed your Escalade into a fire hydrant and then 2. Your wife tried to bash your brains in with a 7-iron and then 3. Your mistresses spilled out like horses from a starting gate and then 4. You quit golf and then 5. You went into sex therapy and then 6. You played golf again and then 7. You couldn’t win any tournaments and then 8. You got divorced and then 9. You still couldn’t win any tournaments.

How’s all that change workin’ out for ya?

Here’s an idea that could elevate you back to top cat status.  And really help me out in the process.

On January 29 I’m delivering the keynote address at the Safari Club International gun convention.  What I’m thinking is that you can dress up as a Bengal Tiger (almost extinct like you!), and after I give my speech you can attack me and then I’ll whip out my shotgun and pretend to pop a cap in your tail.  Those SCI fanatics may try to shoot you for real, but I’ll shout “blood libel” (I have no idea what this means) and that should quiet things down. 

Then you can pop out of your Tiger suit and talk about how guns are just for pretend and no one really gets hurt with them and then I’ll announce you as my 2012 VP candidate.  It seems like you’re just about ready for a career change.  That press conference you gave about getting away from your Buddhist values showed you have the political acumen needed to run for office; you seem to excel and saying one thing and meaning something totally different.  Plus, I really need the black vote.  You were born in America, right?  The last thing we need is another foreigner in office!

Of course, before all that I’ll post a picture of you on my Facebook page.  I’ll center your pretty mug shot in my crosshair image, and then after our little stunt at the SCI conference it will be obvious to everyone that being “targeted” by Sarah Palin is a good thing.   

Whadaya say?

Sarah

P.S.  If all goes well with this SCI idea then maybe we can co-host a big-game hunt the day before the Masters starts.  That Par 3 tournament is so silly, and I don’t think you even play in it.  Augusta seems like the perfect piece of property for a hunt.  I’ll supply the weapons and the animals.  Maybe we can even get that Hootie Johnson guy to participate (I’ve never shot an owl before).  Maybe Obama will come too.  I’ve always wanted to pick off a terrorist.

P.P.S.  Does all of this sound a bit inflammatory?  Toxic?  I can’t tell.


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Tiger Woods
Roxy Nightclub
Orlando, FL

January 16, 2011

Sarah Palin
Hunting in Alaska

Dear Sarah,

First, it's good to hear from you.  I didn't know politician wrote.

Second, I'm pretty sure Obama is an American.

Third, are you crazy?  I’ve got enough PR problems.  The last person I need to be linked to is you.  You’re more divisive than long division!  Plus, I’m not into hunting.  Unless we’re talking strippers.

Still, I don’t make any decisions on my own.  Let me text my agent Mark Steinberg; he lays out my clothes for me each morning and tells me which toothpaste to use. 

Hold on a sec …

Well, Steiney's confirmed that Obama is an American.  But he's not sure about the conference.  The whole crosshairs thing has him worried.  Plus, the SCI headquarters is in Tucson.  Uh, that doesn’t look so good.  Plus, my whole Buddhist thing might get a bad rap if I’m associated with a hunting organization.  Plus, I think Augusta National is best left to golf shots, not buck shots.  And, you have no chance of winning in 2012. 

Peace.

Tiger Woods

P.S.  As to your question of whether this whole idea would be considered inflammatory …  Uh, is Alaska cold?

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Sarah Palin
Hunting in Alaska

January 17, 2011

Tiger Woods
Roxy Nightclub
Orlando, FL

Dear Tiger,

As for winning in 2012, I have a better chance of winning the presidency than you have of winning a major.  And golly gee, I didn’t know the SCI was based in Tucson.  Go figure.  But, did I mention the conference was in Reno?  You know what that means! 

See ya.

Sarah

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Tiger Woods
Roxy Nightclub
Orlando, FL
January 18, 2011

Sarah Palin
Hunting in Alaska

Dear Sarah,

I don’t care what Steiney says.  Just tell me when you need me.

Your friend.

Tiger Woods

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